Holidays

My heart is really starting to ache thinking about the upcoming holidays. I am scared to death. Most people look forward to them...all the food, family and gifts. I thought I'd had the last of the lonely holidays. I LOVED having two of each last year. I didn't care that it might get tricky to try to fit two huge dinners in one day because I was finally able to have two dinners in one day! Now I'm alone again. Just me, the 34 year old with my parents after all the siblings leave to have their second dinner. It is just so pathetic. I hate waking up on a holiday alone. Baking pies alone. Getting dressed up alone. Coming home alone.

I guess I should make a list of things I'm thankful for so as to take my mind off of all this.
1. My family
2. My doggie
3. My roommates
4. My pastor
5. A job
6. A house
7. A car
8. Very little debt
9. My health

My view of God

I think I need a new view of God. I have had a great foundation in Christianity. I have studied the Bible, heck, I even went to Bible college. But lately, I am so lost as to how to live the life that everyone promises is supposed to be the "best life possible." I know that God isn't God to serve me...and that he cares more about my Godliness than my happiness...and that his plan is so much more than my plan...BUT THIS SUCKS. I'm sorry. I've really turned into the lonely, desperate, sad girl who wants to be married. I want to be comfortable while I wait, but I'm not.

If God is loving, then don't you think that if he doesn't want me to get married, he'd send something else to show that this is a good life...Like a job that satisfies, or at least a paycheck to suffice? But yet, I can barely pay my mortgage, and forget about a new car.

If God is omniscient, then he knows my heart, my desires, my hurts, my questions...don't you think he'd send someone, something, ANYTHING to give me some hope back?

If God is omnipresent, how come it feels like I'm all alone.

And no one can tell me what to do to make it better. Everyone in my life feels so bad for me but never has answers or even plausible suggestions. My mom says things like, "maybe you should look into teaching on the mission field!" - because my perfect man might be in Africa? -or because in Africa I might forget how lonely I am?

I'm studying the names of God. Maybe that'll give me some answers as to what in the world is going on.

Anyone out there got any for me?