Holidays

My heart is really starting to ache thinking about the upcoming holidays. I am scared to death. Most people look forward to them...all the food, family and gifts. I thought I'd had the last of the lonely holidays. I LOVED having two of each last year. I didn't care that it might get tricky to try to fit two huge dinners in one day because I was finally able to have two dinners in one day! Now I'm alone again. Just me, the 34 year old with my parents after all the siblings leave to have their second dinner. It is just so pathetic. I hate waking up on a holiday alone. Baking pies alone. Getting dressed up alone. Coming home alone.

I guess I should make a list of things I'm thankful for so as to take my mind off of all this.
1. My family
2. My doggie
3. My roommates
4. My pastor
5. A job
6. A house
7. A car
8. Very little debt
9. My health

My view of God

I think I need a new view of God. I have had a great foundation in Christianity. I have studied the Bible, heck, I even went to Bible college. But lately, I am so lost as to how to live the life that everyone promises is supposed to be the "best life possible." I know that God isn't God to serve me...and that he cares more about my Godliness than my happiness...and that his plan is so much more than my plan...BUT THIS SUCKS. I'm sorry. I've really turned into the lonely, desperate, sad girl who wants to be married. I want to be comfortable while I wait, but I'm not.

If God is loving, then don't you think that if he doesn't want me to get married, he'd send something else to show that this is a good life...Like a job that satisfies, or at least a paycheck to suffice? But yet, I can barely pay my mortgage, and forget about a new car.

If God is omniscient, then he knows my heart, my desires, my hurts, my questions...don't you think he'd send someone, something, ANYTHING to give me some hope back?

If God is omnipresent, how come it feels like I'm all alone.

And no one can tell me what to do to make it better. Everyone in my life feels so bad for me but never has answers or even plausible suggestions. My mom says things like, "maybe you should look into teaching on the mission field!" - because my perfect man might be in Africa? -or because in Africa I might forget how lonely I am?

I'm studying the names of God. Maybe that'll give me some answers as to what in the world is going on.

Anyone out there got any for me?

Looking for more...

I'm single. I'm 34 and single. Am I alone? I don't want to be single. I want to be like everyone else. I want to sit around with my friends complaining about my husband. I want to exchange "how we met stories" and "wedding nightmares" and "the in-laws from hell" holidays. Most of all, I just want to be loved. To have someone choose me to spend the rest of his life with. I want someone to dote on, take care of, brag about...

Yet here I sit. Alone. Satan is telling me constantly that there is something wrong with me. That God has completely forgotten me or worse, doesn't really care how I feel. Satan scares me daily with visions of my lonely future, sitting in the back row of the church by myself at Christmas. He lies to me about my friends not wanting to be around me. About my family tired of my tears.

I know this has started extremely negative. I don't want to sound like Sally Sourpuss. I just want to be honest. How many are out there feeling awkward not only in their world, but in their church, their friend circles or even their own skin? How do you cope? How do you dry your tears?

I know all the Bible answers. I know that God is with me. That he hasn't forgotten me. That Satan is a liar. That my identity should be in Christ. If that is your answer for me, please don't respond. I want human, healing answers.

Do I sound bitter? That is exactly why I'm writing this. I don't want to get there. I need help.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll have the encouragement that you need.