A Hole Filled

I haven't posted in three years. Three years ago I asked why God didn't fill my hole if he didn't want me to be married. Three years ago I had very little hope.

That's probably why God filled my hole. Not with a husband-but with purpose. I am a school teacher. Teenagers don't normally need adults, especially if they are from good families to begin with. But 2009 was the year I met the Islands; boys who chose to move away from their families to further their educations and get to college. I was very impressed by them. Their strength, bravery, drive...characteristics not generally found in teenagers, shoot, characteristics not even found in me. These boys had some holes in their educations that I began to fill as a teacher. They also had amazing skills in basketball. Since I'm from Indiana, I relished watching excellent basketball. By the end of the year, they had filled a hole in me. I finally had purpose. I had someone to take care of. They chose me to be the teacher they wanted to build a relationship with. They became my little brothers, my sons. I spent a lot of time that next summer praising God, confessing my lack of faith, and telling anyone who would listen how God was working in my life.

Over the next two years, I gained two more little brothers, five in all, and an increasing faith in God. The years haven't been easy. I've had periods of stress that led to weight loss and insomnia, but I've also had many more periods of overwhelming joy for the way God chose to fill my hole. I've seen each of them be baptized. I've had heart to hearts with them when they make poor choices. I've fed them when they can't get home for holidays. I've beamed with them next to me in church. I've cheered as a proud big sister for their games. I've cried when they've cried. I've laughed harder, prayed more, bragged often, and loved every minute of it!

The Islands have taught me:

1. Jesus never fails

2. His plan is always better than mine

3. He is the Savior, not me

4. I can speak with tongues of angels, but if I have not love...

5. No one is perfect

6. Unconditional love is worth it

7. When God gives me a mission - it doesn't matter what others think

8. People respect you when you stand your ground

9. Sometimes laughter really is the best medicine

10. God did not give us the spirit of fear...

While this is probably my last year teaching my boys, three of them heading to college and all, I have complete faith that God will once fill my hole, albeit that hole is considerable smaller now. I am looking forward to the future. I get to experience the thrills of a new job, watching my boys play D1 basketball, and seeing how God will once again fill my hole.

I deeply regret not keeping up with this blog throughout the years as the stories have been many, but since this blog was started as a release for my complaining...I guess I didn't really have anything to write about!

God is good all the time.

Holidays

My heart is really starting to ache thinking about the upcoming holidays. I am scared to death. Most people look forward to them...all the food, family and gifts. I thought I'd had the last of the lonely holidays. I LOVED having two of each last year. I didn't care that it might get tricky to try to fit two huge dinners in one day because I was finally able to have two dinners in one day! Now I'm alone again. Just me, the 34 year old with my parents after all the siblings leave to have their second dinner. It is just so pathetic. I hate waking up on a holiday alone. Baking pies alone. Getting dressed up alone. Coming home alone.

I guess I should make a list of things I'm thankful for so as to take my mind off of all this.
1. My family
2. My doggie
3. My roommates
4. My pastor
5. A job
6. A house
7. A car
8. Very little debt
9. My health

My view of God

I think I need a new view of God. I have had a great foundation in Christianity. I have studied the Bible, heck, I even went to Bible college. But lately, I am so lost as to how to live the life that everyone promises is supposed to be the "best life possible." I know that God isn't God to serve me...and that he cares more about my Godliness than my happiness...and that his plan is so much more than my plan...BUT THIS SUCKS. I'm sorry. I've really turned into the lonely, desperate, sad girl who wants to be married. I want to be comfortable while I wait, but I'm not.

If God is loving, then don't you think that if he doesn't want me to get married, he'd send something else to show that this is a good life...Like a job that satisfies, or at least a paycheck to suffice? But yet, I can barely pay my mortgage, and forget about a new car.

If God is omniscient, then he knows my heart, my desires, my hurts, my questions...don't you think he'd send someone, something, ANYTHING to give me some hope back?

If God is omnipresent, how come it feels like I'm all alone.

And no one can tell me what to do to make it better. Everyone in my life feels so bad for me but never has answers or even plausible suggestions. My mom says things like, "maybe you should look into teaching on the mission field!" - because my perfect man might be in Africa? -or because in Africa I might forget how lonely I am?

I'm studying the names of God. Maybe that'll give me some answers as to what in the world is going on.

Anyone out there got any for me?

Looking for more...

I'm single. I'm 34 and single. Am I alone? I don't want to be single. I want to be like everyone else. I want to sit around with my friends complaining about my husband. I want to exchange "how we met stories" and "wedding nightmares" and "the in-laws from hell" holidays. Most of all, I just want to be loved. To have someone choose me to spend the rest of his life with. I want someone to dote on, take care of, brag about...

Yet here I sit. Alone. Satan is telling me constantly that there is something wrong with me. That God has completely forgotten me or worse, doesn't really care how I feel. Satan scares me daily with visions of my lonely future, sitting in the back row of the church by myself at Christmas. He lies to me about my friends not wanting to be around me. About my family tired of my tears.

I know this has started extremely negative. I don't want to sound like Sally Sourpuss. I just want to be honest. How many are out there feeling awkward not only in their world, but in their church, their friend circles or even their own skin? How do you cope? How do you dry your tears?

I know all the Bible answers. I know that God is with me. That he hasn't forgotten me. That Satan is a liar. That my identity should be in Christ. If that is your answer for me, please don't respond. I want human, healing answers.

Do I sound bitter? That is exactly why I'm writing this. I don't want to get there. I need help.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll have the encouragement that you need.